Some people learn by listening. Others need to experience the consequences firsthand. My neighbor Richard definitely fell into the second category, so I did what was needed to teach him a lesson.
The first thing I do every morning is make coffee. The second thing I do is look out my kitchen window to see if Richard’s blue Honda Civic is blocking my garage. Again.
It’s been this way for six months now. Ever since he moved back in with his parents next door. Six months of knocking on his door at 7:45 a.m. Six months of fake-smiling through gritted teeth while he fumbles with his keys, mumbling half-hearted apologies.
Six months of being late to work.
I’ve never been great with relationships. Three serious boyfriends by age 32, and each one ended with me changing my Netflix password and buying new sheets.
After the last breakup, Jason—who “needed space” but apparently found it in my best friend’s apartment, I decided relationships weren’t worth the trouble.
So, I focused on my career instead.
As a graphic designer for a marketing firm downtown, I earn enough to afford my small but perfect house. I’ve decorated it exactly the way I want.
No compromises on the teal accent wall or the framed vintage movie posters. No one to tell me I can’t have ice cream for dinner or that I spend too much money on travel.
Speaking of travel, I’m saving up for a solo trip to New Zealand next year. Well, I’m trying to. Each time I’m late because of Richard’s parking habits, my boss gives me the look that says, “I’m not angry, just disappointed,” which is somehow worse.
This morning was no different.
I peeked through the blinds and saw the blue Honda exactly where it shouldn’t be. It was parked directly in front of my garage door.
With a sigh, I set down my mug, slipped on my shoes, and trudged next door. Three sharp knocks. Footsteps. Then Richard’s sleepy face peering out from behind the door.
“Oh, hey Cindy,” he said. “Car’s in the way again?”
“As it was yesterday,” I replied. “And the day before. And pretty much every day since you moved back home.”
He had the decency to look embarrassed. “Sorry. I’ll move it right now.”
I watched as he searched for his keys, still wearing plaid pajama bottoms and a faded t-shirt with some obscure band logo on it. At 28, Richard should have had his life together by now.
Instead, he’d moved back home six months ago, supposedly to “help his parents.”
Mrs. Peterson, who runs the neighborhood gossip pipeline disguised as a book club, told me that Richard had lost his job at the tech startup in the city. Came home with his tail between his legs.
I might have felt sorry for him if he wasn’t making me late every single morning.
“Thanks,” I said curtly when Richard finally cleared my driveway. “But you know, this wouldn’t have to happen if you’d just park somewhere else.”
He sighed. “Where, Cindy? My dad’s car takes up our garage, and street parking is full by the time I get home.”
“That’s not my problem,” I said, climbing into my Subaru. “Figure it out.”
But the next morning, there it was again. Blue Honda. Same spot.
After work that day, I decided to talk to him properly. I found him washing his father’s car in their driveway.
“Richard,” I said, crossing my arms. “We need to talk about the parking situation.”
He turned, water hose in hand.
“I know, I know. I’m sorry about this morning,” he said.
“And yesterday morning. And the morning before that.”
“Look, I’m in a tough spot here. Dad can’t walk far, so he needs the garage. The street’s filled up with the Johnsons’ three cars, and—”
“And that makes it okay to block my garage?” I interrupted.
He turned off the hose. “No. It doesn’t. But I don’t know what else to do.”
“Park around the block.”
“And walk half a mile in the dark when I get home from my night shift? Through the woods where those raccoons hang out?”
I didn’t know he worked night shifts. Or was afraid of raccoons.
“Richard, I’m going to be straight with you. If you block my garage one more time, there will be consequences.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Consequences? Like what? You’ll call a tow truck?”
“Worse,” I said. “Much worse.”
He laughed. “Cindy, has anyone ever told you you’re kind of intense?”
I stormed off, my cheeks burning. Not because he was right, but because I was already plotting exactly what those consequences would be.
That evening, I watched from my living room window as Richard pulled up in his Honda around 10 p.m. Like clockwork, he parked directly in front of my garage. I saw him glance at my house before strolling inside his parents’ place.
“That’s it,” I muttered, pulling out my laptop.
I spent the next hour researching.
That’s when I discovered an article about natural wildlife deterrents and attractants. The forest preserve behind our neighborhood housed all sorts of critters, including raccoons, possums, deer, and countless birds.
They mostly kept to themselves, but with the right incentive…
The next day was Friday.
I wouldn’t need to leave for work early Saturday morning, which gave me the perfect window for my plan. I stopped at the pet store after work and bought a large bag of wild birdseed mix and a bottle of what the label called “Critter Potty Training Attractant,” designed to teach pets where to do their business.
The cashier raised her eyebrows as she rang me up. “Got a new pet?”
“Something like that,” I replied with a smile.
That night, I waited until the neighborhood went quiet.
Around midnight, I slipped outside in dark clothes, carrying my supplies in a canvas tote bag. Richard’s blue Honda gleamed under the streetlight.
I worked quickly, sprinkling birdseed across the hood, roof, and trunk. Next came the attractant, which I dabbed sparingly along the door handles, side mirrors, and around the wheel wells.
The stuff smelled awful. I had to breathe through my mouth to keep from gagging.
Mission accomplished, I thought as I crept back inside. I set my alarm for 6 a.m. before sleeping.
***
I woke before my alarm to the sound of shouting.
Bleary-eyed, I peeked through the blinds to see Richard standing beside his car in his pajamas, hands on his head in disbelief.
His precious Honda was transformed. Bird droppings streaked the windshield and hood. The blue paint was marred with tiny scratch marks where beaks had pecked for seeds. And based on the brown smudges along the sides, larger animals had indeed been attracted to the scent I’d applied.
A fat raccoon was still sitting on the roof, munching contentedly on the remaining seeds.
“What the—! Get off! Shoo!” Richard waved his arms frantically, but the raccoon merely gave him a bored look before returning to its breakfast.
I burst out laughing. Throwing on my robe, I stepped outside onto my porch.
“Car trouble?” I called innocently.
Richard whirled around. “Did you—? Was this—?” He couldn’t even form a complete sentence.
I shrugged. “Wow, looks like the local wildlife really took a liking to your car. Fascinating.”
“Cindy, I know this was you.”
“Prove it,” I said. “Maybe it’s karma for consistently blocking someone’s garage despite repeated requests to stop.”
“Do you have any idea how much this will cost to clean? And the scratches—”
“Probably about as much as it costs me in lost wages and credibility when I’m late to work three times a week,” I replied calmly.
He looked at me, and to my surprise, the anger in his eyes had faded. “You know what? I probably deserved this.”
That wasn’t the reaction I’d expected. I’d prepared for yelling, threats to call the police, or at least some neighborly drama that would feed Mrs. Peterson’s gossip mill for weeks.
“You’re not… mad?” I asked cautiously.
“Oh, I’m furious,” he laughed. “But also impressed. This is diabolical.”
“Well, you didn’t listen to words, so…”
“So, you enlisted the local wildlife. Message received.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I’ll grab some cleaning supplies.”
I watched as he disappeared into his house, feeling oddly deflated. The revenge had been sweet, but brief. I turned to go back inside when Richard emerged with two buckets, gloves, and an array of cleaning products.
He walked straight to my porch and held out a pair of gloves. “Help me?”
“Why would I help you clean up a mess you brought on yourself?”
“Because,” he said, looking suddenly nervous, “I owe you an explanation. And an apology.”
“You can apologize from over there, where you don’t smell like eau de raccoon.”
He set down the cleaning supplies. “The truth is, I didn’t park in front of your garage just because of my dad’s car or lack of street
