Chap goes in to a bar and orders a vodka and coke. Barman serves him. Man drinks it orders another.
This goes on for a while, until the chap begins to slow down.
Barman asks, “Is there anything the matter, sir?”
Chap replies, “I had an enormous argument with the wife. She said she won’t speak to me for a month.
I have to sleep on the sofa.”
Barman says, “Best bet is to stop drinking, go home, and don’t let this argument carry on passed the first night. Nip it in the bud.”
Chap says, “You don’t understand.
This is the last night.”
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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner, Liam. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $5,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,
“Your duck is a rip-off!
I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!”
“Well,” said Banta, “Did you remember to light a candle under the pot?”
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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened?
You look terrible.”
Captain Hook “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a c.annon ball, but I’m fine now.”
“Well, OK, but what about that hook?
“What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle.
I boarded a ship and got into a s.word fight. My hand was c.ut off. I got fitted with a hook.
I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.
I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird shit.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”
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A police car pulled up in front of Grandma Bessie’s house
A police car pulled up in front of Grandma Bessie’s house, and out stepped Grandpa Morris. The officer politely explained, “Ma’am, your husband said he got lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.”
Grandma Bessie stared at Morris and said, “Lost?
You’ve been going to that park for 30 years! How’d you get lost today?”
Leaning in close so the officer couldn’t hear, Grandpa whispered, “I wasn’t lost.
I was just too tired to walk home.”
A policeman pulls over an old man driving a pickup truck
A policeman pulls over an old man driving a pickup truck with the bed overflowing with ducks.
The officer says sternly, “Sir, you can’t have a flock of ducks wandering around downtown. Take them to the zoo immediately!”
The old man nods, agrees, and drives off. The next day, the officer spots the same pickup truck, still full of ducks—but this time, all the ducks are wearing sunglasses.
Frustrated, the officer pulls the man over again and exclaims, “I thought I told you to take these ducks to the zoo!”
The old man grins and replies, “I did!
But now the little rascals want to go to the beach!”
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A cowboy, fresh from Texas, strolls into a bar in Montana and orders three mugs of Bud. A cowboy, fresh from Texas, strolls into a bar in Montana and orders three mugs of Bud.
He heads to a corner and takes a sip from each mug, one after the other, in turn. Once he’s done, he returns to the bar and orders three more.
Curious, the bartender approaches him and says, “You know, beer goes flat pretty quick after it’s poured.
It might taste better if you just ordered one at a time.”
The cowboy smiles and explains, “Well, here’s the thing. I’ve got two brothers—one in Arizona, the other in Colorado. When we all moved away from Texas, we promised that whenever we drank, we’d each have one for the others, just like we did back home.
So, I’m drinking for my brothers and myself.”
The bartender nods, impressed by the sentiment, and leaves it at that.
The cowboy becomes a regular, always ordering three beers and sipping them in rotation. One day, though, he walks in and only orders two mugs.
The regulars, noticing the change, go quiet. When the cowboy returns to the bar for his second round, the bartender cautiously leans in and says, “I’m sorry for your loss.
I just wanted to offer my condolences.”
The cowboy looks confused for a second, then bursts out laughing.
“Oh no, no one’s passed away!” he chuckles. “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church, so I had to quit drinking. But my brothers are still going strong!”
LOL!!
Hope this joke will make you smile!
Have a nice day!! An Old Cowboy Gets 3 Wishes
A modern-day old cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when he suddenly sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls towards the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks like an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She wears an AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE badge and a dull grey dress. There is a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, old cowboy,” said the genie… “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this, says the old man.
“I’m not going to trust an ATO auditor genie.”
“What do you have to lose? You have no transportation, and it looks like you are a goner anyway!”
The old man thinks about this for a minute and decides the genie is right.
Shazam!
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with lots of food and drink.”
Shazam! The old cowboy is in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. OK, old boy, what’s your second wish?”
“My second wish is for me to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
The old man is surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“Okay, cowpuncher, you just have one wish. Better make it a good one!”
After a few minutes of thinking, the man says.
“I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
Shazam! He is turned into a t-a.mpon.
Moral of the story
If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.
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How much money did I have? Puzzles can come in many “flavors.” Today, there are millions to pick from online. It can be math problems from school, crossword puzzles, optical illusions – and even a classic old riddle.
Riddles are very popular here, so here comes one.
Here comes the old riddle. How Much Money Did I Have?
The riddle says:
I had 13 dollars. My mom gave me 10 dollars while my dad gave me 30 dollars.
My aunt and uncle gave me 100 dollars.
I had another 5 dollars. How much money did I have? We’ll report the correct answer below.
A
B
C
Here is the correct answer
Have you come up with an answer?
Take a deep breath and concentrate, the answer might be easier than you think. Maybe there is something you are missing in this old riddle?
After the picture below, you can see if you got the right solution. The answer is 18 Dollars.
You can get a hint in the question that it basically asks how much money “DID” I have?
This means it is asking about how much YOU had. Not how much you received from anyone. So, the money you had is 18 dollars.
(Since this answers to the question, stating the amount of money you had apart from the money received by you by your parents and relatives.)
Therefore, you had 13 dollars and another 5 dollars originally with you, which sums up to 18 dollars.
Clever, right? You have to think outside the box to come up with the answer.
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An elderly couple, Bert and Edna, are sitting on the porch swing
An elderly couple, Bert and Edna, are sitting on the porch swing one quiet Sunday evening. They’ve been married for 55 years.
The sun is setting, the birds are chirping, and they’re both sipping lukewarm tea, watching squirrels fight over a Cheeto in the
