“Skydiving?! Bert, the last time you bent down to tie your shoe, you passed out for three minutes.”
Bert shrugs. “Well, if I die mid-air, just let me land in the neighbor’s garden.
I’ve always wanted to haunt him.”
They laugh, and Edna nods.
“Okay, okay. You go skydiving.
I’ll do mine too.”
Bert squints. “And what’s yours?”
Edna suddenly gets this mischievous sparkle in her eye — the same one she had back in 1965 when she “accidentally” dropped Bert’s bowling trophy out the car window during an argument.
“I’ve always wanted to confess something to you, Bert.”
Bert gulps.
“Confess what?”
Edna leans closer and whispers, “You know how your favorite recliner always mysteriously leaned to the left for 20 years?”
Bert nods. “Yeah, blamed the dog. Poor thing limped for weeks.”
Edna smiles.
“Well, it was me.
I jammed a spatula in the bottom after you spilled grape soda on my new curtains in ’89.”
Bert gasps. “You monster!”
Edna giggles.
“And remember that time the remote kept changing the channel to the Hallmark channel, no matter what button you pressed?”
Bert blinks. “You said it was haunted!”
Edna smirks.
“Nope.
I glued a penny inside the battery compartment to short-circuit it. You never missed a single Christmas romance movie for five straight years.”
Bert’s mouth drops open. “Why would you do that?!”
Edna sips her tea, serene.
“Because payback, dear, is best served with mistletoe and slow-motion snowball fights.”
After a long pause, Bert leans back in the swing and says, “You know what, Edna?
I’ve got a confession too.”
“Oh?” she says. “You remember my ‘fishing trips’ every Saturday for ten years?”
Edna eyes him.
“You don’t fish.”
“I know,” Bert says proudly. “I was at the bowling alley.
I won four trophies.
They’re hidden behind the water heater in the basement.”
Edna stares at him in disbelief. “You mean I accidentally dropped a decoy trophy out the car window?!”
They both burst into laughter. And from that day forward, Bert went skydiving, Edna bought a new recliner, and every Saturday they now go bowling together — mostly to keep an eye on each other.
An 85-year-old couple, married for almost 60 years
An 85-year-old couple, married for almost 60 years, tragically passed away in a car a.c.cident and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Thanks to the wife’s obsession with healthy diets and exercise, they had been in great shape for the last decade. St.
Peter greeted them warmly and led them to their heavenly mansion—complete with a huge bedroom, Jacuzzi, gourmet kitchen, and even a billiards table. “Wow!
How much does this cost?” the husband asked.
“Nothing,” St. Peter replied. “This is Heaven—everything is free!”
Next, he showed them a championship golf course just minutes from their home, where they could play anytime, have an angel as a caddy, and enjoy a course that changed daily to mimic the world’s most elite greens.
“Incredible!” the wife said.
“And the green fees?”
“Free,” St. Peter chuckled.
“This is Heaven.”
Then, they toured a five-star restaurant featuring an all-you-can-eat feast—Wagyu beef, lobster, prime rib, exotic vegetables, and desserts straight from a dream. The husband, still skeptical, asked, “Okay… but how much?”
“Sir, for the last time… FREE.
This is Heaven!”
The husband hesitated.
“Well… do you have any low-fat, low-cholesterol options?”
St. Peter laughed. “In Heaven, you’ll never gain weight or get sick.
Eat whatever you want!”
Suddenly, the husband turned red, clenched his fists, and started shouting at the sky.
“What’s wrong??” his wife asked, confused. He pointed at her and yelled, “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
If it weren’t for your damn bran muffins and paleo chicken, WE COULD HAVE BEEN HERE TEN YEARS AGO!!! LOL!!
Have a nice day!! ——————————————————————————————————————————————
Little Johnny failed his math test. Father: “Why did you fail your mathematics test?”
Johnny: “On Monday, the teacher said 3+5=8.”
Father: “So?”
Johnny: “On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8
And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8…
…
..
.
If she can’t make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?”
==================================
Benjamin was in jail serving 30 years for robbing banks. After serving about 12 years he is notified that his Uncle from Ludhiana has died and left him over $50000.
Benjamin was so happy when the warden said he would put it in trust untll he was released. The warden asked him if there was anything he wanted to buy before tying the money up.
Benjamin said he had read a lot about computers and wanted a computer.
The warden said “sure” and got him a computer. A brand new Compaq computer. After a few weeks the warden visitied him in his cell to see how he was doing.
To his amazement he saw the computer smashed on the floor.
The warden asked Benjamin what happened. Benjamin said it didn`t work right and he got mad.
He said it would not even complete the simplest task. The warden asked him what he wanted the computer to do.
Benjamin said he just wanted one thing from the computer.
One simple task and it could not do it. Benjamin said, “I hit the escape key and nothing happened, I hit the key again and still nothin, I am still here. I think I will sue Compaq.”
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–
The right answerr.
The teacher said, “I’ll give 2 dollars to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St.
Patrick.” The teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a French boy put his hand up and said, “It was Napoleon.” The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Pierre, that’s not right either.”
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.” The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Maurice, come up here and I’ll give you 2 dollars.”
As the teacher was giving Maurice his money, she said, “You know Maurice, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.”
Maurice replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.”
The woman was very rich and the man was poor but honest.
She liked him, but that was all, and he knew it. One night he had been a little more tender than usual.
“You are very rich,” he ventured.
“Yes,” she replied frankly, I’m worth 1.25 million dollars.”
“And I’m poor,” he replied. “Will you marry me?”
“No.”
“I thought you would say no.”
“Then why did you ask me?”
“Oh, just to see how a man feels when he loses 1.25 million dollars.”
Stanley is looking for a new desk for his office
and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for $5000,” says the shopkeeper.
“$5000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Stanley.
“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four dollar coins there.
“Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Stan.
“Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?”
At this, the desk goes wild, manically banging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop. “Darn, where did she get all THAT from?” wonders Stanley. The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers drop down.
——————————————————————————————————-
A Texan Farmer Goes To Australia
A Texan farmer is on vacation in Australia.
There, he meets an Australian farmer and strikes up a conversation. The Australian shows off his large wheat field, and the Texan says:
“Oh!
We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch for a bit, and the Australian shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan farmer immediately said:
“We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation is now almost at a standstill when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asked, “And what are those”?
The Australian responds with an incredulous look,
“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
Hope this joke makes you smile! Have a nice day!!! A government man approaches a pig farmer one day.
A government man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.
The farmer answers: “Oh, the pigs? I just feed them whatever scraps I have lying around.”
The man is shocked, he says, “Sir, this is animal cruelty!
I’ll have to fine you $10,000!”
The next day, another official approaches the farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs. The farmer replies: “Oh the pigs?
Only the best products, sir!
Caviar,
